The Tremendous Trump

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Make America Great Again!

1.5 oz Trump vodka
Incomprehensible wealth
Tremendous energy
Tremendous cunning
The highest of IQs
Brain
A higher power than yourself

I don’t drink. Can you believe it? But what a tremendous crowd today. Unbelievable! I have great relationships with the people of New Hampshire. Many of them are my employees.

The Hispanics love me. I will win the Latino vote. No, it is true. That I can tell you. We will Make America Great Again. It’s so, so important. Trump is the only one who can do it. We need brain to turn this country around.

Can you imagine? I’m such a great negotiator. I wrote The Art of the Deal, one of the great business books of all time. Come to think of it, I’m probably a better negotiator drunk than sober. My deals are the best!

This loser Jeb is so low energy. Too low energy to make this country great again. Ben Carson, low energy. John Kasich? Too high energy, it’s like he’s on meth.

You know, the political media is so dishonest. Des Moines Register, CNN, Fox News, so dishonest. Jonah Goldberg and Charles Krauthammer are such lightweights and can’t even buy their own pants. Speaking of dishonest, The Dartmouth Review is incredibly dishonest. Mene Ukueberuwa, likely the greatest lightweight of them all.

We need to beat China in trade. We need to beat Mexico both in trade and at the border. They’re killers. Their leaders are far too smart and cunning for us. Our leaders are stupid! I will make great trade deals. Speaking of deals, I will renegotiate this horrible, incompetent Iran deal. It’s called leadership.

I’ve decided what we can do: we will build a wall around Iran.

I should probably sober up soon.

By Donald J. Trump

Editor’s note: Donald Trump-brand canned scotch hits the markets next Tuesday.