G. Rollo Begley can kill you. Really.

Many of us scoffed when we considered that our beloved Rollo would shortly be defending our nation. Recent events in Fort Benning, GA, where Rollo has entered the white phase of boot camp, should give us pause. I refer to weapons training.

Some of you may recall Full Metal Jacket’s epic opening sequence, and diehard fans may even remember that the men have to name their rifles. Private Pile, for example, names his Charlene.

Well, Rollo now has a rifle, and its name is Lorene Lou. I would not want to encounter either of the new lovers in battle:

“Wednesday was our first day live firing the M16 [Lorene Lou], and the second group I ever fired I grouped all six rounds in a 4 cm circle from 25 meters. Then, on Friday, we were shooting stationary targets between 50 and 300 meters, and I was the best in the platoon with 39 of 40 hits. This coming Friday we qualify on the M16 with pop up targets from 50 to 300 meters, and the week after that is continued weapons training where we do covering fire with live ammo, night firing, firing with a gas mask on, etc. Then we qualify with hand grenades and learn to use the SAW, Claymore, and AT-4 anti-tank missile.”

He also now runs two miles in 14:11, knows hand-to-hand combat, and is working on his push-ups and pull-ups. After a brief dispute we had on the merits of life on the Costa del Sol, Rollo finished his letter, querying, “What have you shot this week, bitch?” I am humbled.

I’m sure Rollo would love to hear from people; he can be reached at the below address, and his turn-around time is pretty sharp.

BEGLEY, George

203

A Co 1/38th INF

5480 Roush Dr.

Bldg 3210

Ft Benning, GA 31905

And write a large ‘203’ on the back of the envelope–lest Rollo have to more push-ups.