Ah, The Daily D

The freshman issue of The D is up. It?s quite the treasure trove of hilarity. While The D?s claims of being “Dartmouth?s premier school of journalism” had me rolling on the floor for the better part of an hour, some other articles are similarly hilarious, or just downright confusing.

Alexis Jolly ?05, in his op-ed, does praise the “handful of professors who don’t concern themselves with appealing to an administration that preaches plurality at the expense of academic integrity” but goes on to say this does not include the “Dartmouth Review reactionaries who lament admitting minorities.” Maybe a summer away from campus has dulled my memory, but I don?t recall any professor (nor anyone on The Review?s staff) who feels that qualified minorities should not be admitted.

But the coup de grace was delivered by Paul Heintz ?06. Take your pick, really:

“New Hampshire is the only real ?swing state? in New England, and if Al Gore had squeezed out an extra 7,000 votes in the Granite State four years ago, Bush could have cheated as much as he desired in Florida, and he still would have lost.”

“Join one of the political groups on campus, like the Young Dems, the Greens or the College Republicans. Although keep in mind a quotation forwarded to me by a friend of mine who heard this from some kid at another school: ?He’s the President of the College Republicans?! What the f*** is ‘College Republicans’? That’s just, like, a code word for virgins.?”

“As a Dartmouth student you have every right to vote here, and changing registration is simple and free of consequences. It’ll take you a few minutes to sign the forms, and it will save you hours on Election Day when the Republican lawyers show up at Hanover High and challenge every voter who looks like a college student.”

But I admit my favorite was this gem:

“And you can write! Write for the op-ed page of The Dartmouth, or the leftward leaning Free Press. Or if you’re one of those awkward, socially inept, pasty white kids from an intolerant upper class family and you like to make fun of minorities and Jews and pretend that you’re a really sweet guy when you actually have lots of inner-anger problems that will constantly plague you until your worthless marriage falls apart and you have a mental breakdown in your mid-40s, I wholeheartedly encourage you to write for The Dartmouth Review. Really, they do a great job.”

If I would have known I?m “from an intolerant upper class family,” I wouldn?t have needed to work 60+ hours per week this summer between three jobs to pay the tuition bills. Even in jest, you have to wonder about some of these people?