The Seal-Breaker


  • 1 beer
  • multiplied by 2 shots of cheap whiskey

The week after Homecoming was a rough one for W.A Bénak, and not just because he had a hangover spanning multiple days. The bonfire was gone, save for the black and burned trail tracing the center of the Green. The drums that beat as 21s ran round had long since trailed off, and though Wednesday night revelers were loud, their calls and shouts were not nearly as loud and fierce as they had been on that Friday night. At least this was the first “big” weekend ever that W.A had not broken or damaged his phone.

In an effort to shrug off his sullenness, W.A made himself a good, old-fashioned Seal Breaker. This drink diverges from the traditional Boilermaker in that the flagon of beer contains two, not one, depth shots of whiskey. True to its name, the Seal-Breaker sent W.A straight to the commode in under 15 minutes.

After several Seal-Breakers, and a few games of pong, W.A made his way back home, snuggling himself warmly beneath his flannel covers. As the night passed, W.A, still asleep, noticed his torso and lower body growing warmer: He dreamt of hot tubs and warm island waterfalls.

Daybreak led W.A to realize that he lay in a pool of urine. At the center of this pool lay his iPhone 6S. As such, it was the Seal-Breaker after Homecoming, not Homecoming, that claimed W.A’s phone. It was the miracle of Homecoming.

By Graham Three Bulls