The Review’s Discombobulation Guide

ACTIVISM: Express mild disparagement to make yourself feel less earnest as you participate. The point is good feeling, not efficacy.

APATHY: Thunder against.

AUTHENTICITY: What you say in public is an act. What you say in private is authentic.

AWKWARD: Like “random,” except twisted and violent to your sense of self. May be accompanied by a symbolic turtle.

BODIES: Don’t say a frat is dangerous; instead, declare “this space is not safe for black/female bodies.”

BUDGET CUTS: Lament that they are necessary. Admit you don’t understand statistics and don’t have data. Then thunder against anyway.

CALL-OUTS: Instead of arguing a point, call out individuals for possessing objectionable views. Observe verbally that you are calling them out.

CHUBBERS: The listserv of the Cabin and Trail sub-club of the Dartmouth Outing Club. Neither negative emotions nor rides to hitch exist there.

CLOSE-MINDEDNESS: The condition of being wrong. “Why must everyone be so close-minded?”

CO-EDUCATIONAL FRATERNITIES: like fraternities or sororities but with less administrative scrutiny. Now know as Gender Inclusive Greek Houses because, The Patriarchy.

DAILY DARTMOUTH, THE: The world’s oldest college newspaper, purportedly founded in the late Neolithic era. Widely known for its journalistic integrity and quality articles that capture both the collective will of the student body and articulate important issues for the masses. It enjoys unparalleled access to the Greek System. A bastion of original thought, grammatical errors, and self-important executives.

DARTMOUTH: Conservative by nature. An intellectual wasteland before 1972.

DARTMOUTH ACTION COLLECTIVE: A committee (of course) behind the Dis-Orientation Guide and other acts of activism. Occasionally holds “Resistance Workshops,” where they rail against racism, imperialism, and “colonism,” whatever that is.

DARTMOUTH DINNING SERVICES: An institution that lies somewhere between a Communist control economy and a Capitalist monopoly. They provide the best food at Dartmouth for the best prices, because theirs is the only food and theirs the power of price control. (See King Arthur Flower)

DARTMOUTH EXPERIENCE: A précis of no more than a paragraph printable in college brochures or alumni newsletters. Must focus on a quirky interest, such as the semiotics of yodeling.

DARTMOUTH FREE PRESS: Progressive, school sponsored alternative publication. Famous primarily for its profane, anonymous back-page rants. Articles appear to have been printed with a minimum of copyediting to achieve a “guerilla” feel. Now defunct.

DARTMOUTH OUTING CLUB, THE: like a fraternity, but with flannel shirts and Carhartts instead of Vineyard Vines and salmon shorts. Everyone wishes they had been more involved during their time at Dartmouth.

DARTMOUTH RADICAL, THE: The successor to the DFP. Publishes, on average, once every few months or so. Occasionally entirely handwritten.

DARTMOUTH REVIEW, THE: Make highly original quips about using it as a doormat. Never admit to reading it regardless of how much you agree with it. Has produced a Pulitzer Prize winner. We hear he now has a doorman.

DELINEATE: Use improperly. “We must delineate between progressive and hurtful laughter.”

DICTATORS: Compare your rhetorical opponents to mustachioed masterminds of twentieth-century genocides. Do this as often as possible.

DIVERSITY: Ethnic diversity. An end in and of itself. It is our strength.

DOC TRIPS: Usually the best part of your Dartmouth Experience.

ELITISM: Thunder against.

EXPRESSING YOURSELF: The point of life.

FEELINGS: Must be protected at all costs. For what does it benefit a campus community to gain the whole world but hurt its feelings?

FOREIGN STUDY: Useful for finding yourself. Afterwards, post pictures on Facebook of yourself posing with the fascinating foreign people you encountered.

FRATERNITIES: Large, brick devices used to oppress people. No members of minority groups have ever been admitted to them, sadly. Frequent these and make yourself feel better by joining progressive Facebook groups.

FREE SPEECH: Of course you’re for it. “Duh.” But where do we draw the line?

FREEDOM BUDGET, THE: Unrelated to freedom; also contains no dollar figures and is therefore not a budget.

GREAT BOOKS: “Who says? By whose standards?”

THE GREEK SYSTEM: Used to separate people by sex and class. Purveyor of alcoholic beverages and oppression.

HARD ALCOHOL BAN, THE: A system cleverly designed by the administration to improve Dartmouth’s image and neutralize those students who will likely create negative PR problems.

HAZING: Starts with DOC Trips, ends at Commencement.

HOSTAGE SITUATION: When you barricade yourself in someone else’s office and lack chargers for your Macbooks.

HUFFINGTON POST, THE: A publication that exists solely to report on Dartmouth’s drinking habits. See ROLLING STONE.

THE INDIAN: The apex of racial ignorance; insult passersby who wear it.

IRONY: Self-contradiction. Hints at towering smarts within. For good measure, occasionally thunder against.

ISRAEL: If only Dartmouth would divest from it, all violence in the Middle East would cease instantaneously.

IVY LEAGUE: Acceptance to a member school validates the way your parents raised you no matter how much you loathe them as a result.

JIM YONG KIM: Like many students, came to Dartmouth an idealist, left a banker.

JUAN CARLOS: A humble brother of the late Alpha Delta Fraternity for Men who went on to lead one of the world’s foremost educational institutions. Known for his undying sense of loyalty and visionary leadership.

JOKES: Should serve a cause, like subverting the patriarchy. Dangerous when used to hold people to normative standards.

JOSEPH ASCH: The cloaked defender of everything that is right. Or a wizened alumnus who spends his time exposing the dirty secrets of the administration.

KING ARTHUR FLOWER: a band of plucky socialist partians fighting the fascist DDS. A favorite of basic white girls and anyone else willing to publically admit that they love those damn cupcakes. They also make good crème brûlée.

LIBERTARIAN: Less annoying than conservatives. Won’t get thrown out of an Upper West Side cocktail party for their politics.

THE LINE: Speculate about where to draw it when you panic and can’t think of anything else to say.

LUNCHBOXES: Apparently only good for carrying vomelettes. Now banned.

MALE-DOMINATED: Anything popular.

NEOCONSERVATIVE: A useful epithet for undesirable things.

OCCUPY DARTMOUTH: Defunct.

OFFENSE: A subjective phenomenon that does not need explanation or rationalization.

OLD THINGS: Treat as kitsch.

OPPRESSION, OPPRESIVE: When you barricade yourself in someone else’s office and the pizza delivery is too slow. Obviously, Ramunto’s must be a racist, sexist, xenophobic institution of hatred and patriarchy.

THE OTHER: Use this term instead of “others “or “other people.”

PATRIARCHAL: Most things in life. Institutions are everywhere.

PATRIOTISM: Creepy. “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.”

THE PAST: Was populated by various racists, misogynists, bullies, twits, and prudes. All else is superfluous.

PEOPLE’S COALITION: Defunct.

PHALLIC SYMBOLS: Profound. If you haven’t done the reading, flip to a random page and point one out in class discussion. Must be taller than it is wide, e.g. toothbrush, skyscraper. Smirk and/or giggle while presenting your point to underscore the political mischief of it all.

POLITICALLY CORRECT: The best kind of correct, even when it isn’t.

PRIVILEGE: Denigrate your own privileged status to everyone around you. “We ALL benefit from privilege.” nod gravely and smile grimly. Never forget to remind people to “check” said privilege.

REALTALK: Defunct.

RELIGION: Always “organized.” Spirituality is better, particularly if it doesn’t place any restrictions on enjoying nightlife.

THE RIGHT TO YOUR OPINION: “You have the right to your opinion, but…”

ROLLING STONE: A publication that exists solely to report on Dartmouth’s latest hazing scandals.

SOCIAL SPACES: Notwithstanding AMARNA, Panarchy, Alpha Theta, Phi Tau, Tabard, every sorority, Aquinas House, Edgerton House, the Green, Moosilauke Ravine Lodge, Collis Underground, Top of the Hop, etc., they do not exist outside of frats.

SPEAKING OUT: Always necessary. Feels good.

THE SELF: Tack onto paper titles when you are desperate, e.g. “Late Capitalism and the Self.”

SELF-CENSORSHIP: Your staunch refusal to say what’s on my mind.

SELLING OUT: As a joke, refer to your taking a financial job as “selling out.” Placate yourself by reading mediocre poetry.

SEX: An opportunity to demonstrate your broadmindedness. Fraught with political meaning. Make sure to obtain written consent in triplicate beforehand, though.

SOLIDARITY: Standing with the oppressed peoples of the world. Has nothing to do with Lech Wałęsa.

STEREOTYPES: Point them out in class discussion if you can’t think of anything to say. All are false and deeply hurtful.

STUDENTS STAND WITH STAFF: Defunct.

TRADITION: Sing about it wistfully, do your best to end it.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: What The Dartmouth Review would have in its masthead if The Liberals got their way. Avoid all classes whose professors give them.

UPTIGHTNESS: Ponder aloud why everyone is so uptight..

WHITE TEARS: Fornicate with them. 

This set piece to the Review‘s Dartmouth Guide was written by Sterling C. Beard and updated by Sandor Farkas.