The Pour Man’s Canada Goose

The Pour Man's Canada Goose

The Pour Man’s Canada Goose

4 parts coffee from the HOP
1 part creamer
4 pumps of sugar
1 long pour of Jim Beam Bourbon

There used to be this Tabard known as “Dirty Dan” who kept an ornate silver flask, embellished with a lock of his mother’s hair, in the inner pocket of his light gray L.L Bean jacket. Dan received his sobriquet from his protest of DDS’s lack of Halal food, in which he refused to shower for an entire term.

Whenever temperatures would dip, Dirty Dan would make his way to the HOP and pump out streams of hot, five-hour-old coffee into a cup, take the cup to the bathroom stall, and tip his flask. He would empty the diesel fuel-esque substance into his coffee, chuckling lightly and muttering “that’s the stuff, that’s the stuff.”

Dirty Dan would drain his drink whilst checking the views on his SoundCloud, which featured an interesting mix of Dan’s latest Saint-Saëns-Young Thug inspired mixtape. Prior to heading back to his residence, Dan would post a snapstory on his snapchat saying something along the lines of: “Spiked my coffee lol.” Dan’s drink kept him nice and warm in the blustery cold.

One freezing February afternoon, Dan was about his business at the HOP, drinking his beverage and SoundCloud-ing, when his Women’s and Gender Studies professor, LaBrenda Johnston, happened to be walking by. The two struck up a light-hearted conversation about the patriarchy, which ultimately led to Prof. Johnston sitting down and aggressively taking sips from Dan’s coffee without asking his permission.

Due to the sugar, Prof. Johnston could not taste the alcohol, and she became quite intoxicated. LaBrenda, in her drunken stupor, ultimately hand cuffed herself to the HOP’s deep fryers in protest of cruelty towards bovines.


Graham Three Bulls