The PhD (Piled Higher and Deeper)

Piled higher and deeper!

Piled higher and deeper!

¾ oz Vodka
¾ oz Gin
½ oz Triple Sec
½ oz Lime Juice
1 Doctorate Degree
Tenure

It is Saturday night, near midnight. A group of Dartmouth professors gathers in the shadowy depths of Baker library. These professors, these academic visionaries, have been drawn together on this moonless night by a single, burning question: Should Dartmouth College students be permitted to pick their own classes?

As everyone settles into their chairs, and sips their gender-neutral drinks, the meeting is opened by an English professor. She stands and the room quiets respectfully.

“We all know why we are here,” she begins in the classic emotionless, monotonous voice of the none-too-successful career academic. From her voice alone, it is clear that this woman has never even been in the same room as charisma. “Dartmouth students are not qualified to decide what they study. As professors, we have responsibility to control exactly what classes they take.”

“What about the free market? What about the idea that people generally know what is best for themselves? Or the fact that 99% of Dartmouth students support picking their own classes?” asks the sole representative of the Economics department present.

“Those ideas are all discriminatory,” says literally any Professor from any department classified under “Arts.” The others all murmur their agreement and some even go so far as to snap their fingers. “1% of the Dartmouth student body believes the rest of the student body should not be oppressed by having to select their own classes. The historical power dynamics of society are marginalizing and oppressing this group.”

At this proclamation, the majority of the room bursts into applause. Many professors stand. Many more are sweating due to the intensity of their excitement.

Finally, a biology professor manages to make herself heard.

“Plus what’s the difference really? We thought we were somehow qualified to get rid of the Greek system when 70% of eligible students were members! We still knew best!”

By the next day, 30% of the faculty had signed a letter requesting that Dartmouth students no longer be allowed to pick their own classes.

By Lt. Breaker Morant