The Gas Guzzler



1 pt. top shelf vodka… paid for by NextGen

Dash of premium, low-octane gasoline… also paid for by NextGen

Tuesday: 5:46 PM Via Text Message: 

“Hi, this is Liana with NextGen. Just wanted to make sure you were committed to voting against Donald Trump in November. Can I count you in?” –Liana with NextGen

Tuesday 5:49 PM Via Text Message:

“Hi Liana, I don’t know which one of my disgruntled ex-girlfriends gave you my phone number but since you now have it I would like to make you aware of a few things. Number one: your nuisance has made me all the more committed to voting against Hillary Clinton. In fact, I sold your phone number to a telemarketing agency for fifty dollars, which went toward vodka, cigarettes, 12-gauge shotgun shells, and gasoline for my Hummer H2, not to mention a modest contribution to Donald J. Trump’s presidential campaign (don’t worry; the donation was made fully in your name). But by all means, keep worrying about the foxes and sheep. Meanwhile, I am going to support the candidate who will put millions of Americans back to work by rejuvenating our energy industry, thereby uplifting the middle-class backbone of this country. Or we can continue to support the stoning of women and homosexuals through our dependency on Saudi oil. That you can count on!”

By Oswald di Medici