The Conference Cocktail

The Conference Cocktail

Vodka
Orange Juice
Thousands of strains of the flu virus

This year, just like every other year, the top scientists from the FDA and CDC are meeting to determine which strands of the flu virus this year’s vaccine should protect the general public form. As is tradition, each member of the committee holds a cup of the Conference Cocktail in one hand, and a list of their favorite flu virus strands in the other. The committee will debate which of the flu strands the vaccine should cover and then make a recommendation to Phil, the president of the committee.

Normally the committee recommends the vaccine that they think will keep the most people healthy that year, and therefore keep the most people happy. However, due to the lax leadership and lack of discipline from the previous committee chairwoman, Charlotte, there has been a movement to “Move the Flu Vaccine Forward” from the less informed members of the committee. The main idea behind this movement is to ensure that this year’s flu vaccine covers people who have polio.

Obviously polio has been eradicated in the United States and basing a national flu vaccine on whether or not it would protect people with polio from the flu is patently ridiculous. But the fringe movement of the committee has enlisted the help of several disgustingly unprofessional news outlets, and managed to start convincing people that the United States is discriminating against people with polio.

As public opinion changes, and the intelligent members of the committee start to get drunk and tired, the fringe scientists (none of whom drink) begin to gain control of the committee. By the end of the night, it is agreed that this year’s flu vaccine will cover the NGS strand of the flu virus. This ensures that everyone with polio in the United States will not get the flu.

As of the beginning of February, fewer than 20% of Americans who received flu shots were protected from the flu.

By Keith M. Stone