[PRINT] Westerosi Fraternities & Sororities

As the HBO series Game of Thrones has swept the campus, we here at The Dartmouth Review were shocked to receive the below text of an article from an anonymous source. In it, the authors describe the similarities between campus rivalries and the War of Five Kings in a satirical manner. We all need to laugh at ourselves sometimes. Enjoy.

King Robert Baratheon.

Alpha Delta = House Baratheon

Renowned for their abilities on the battlefield (or rather the soccer field and the rugby pitch), these athletic warriors are far better at leading teams than they are at ruling the campus social scene. They do possess massive charisma, however, as well as the ability to imbibe large quantities of alcohol. 

Ser Jaime Lannister.

Theta Delta Chi = House Lannister

A band of blonde brothers, these athletes are renowned for both their athletic prowess and their wealth. The battle for social capital is largely waged between them, Psi U and Alpha Delta with all of Webster Avenue coming in a distant fourth. Their manes of golden hair merely seal the deal.

 

Psi Upsilon = House Tyrell

A very old and wealthy house filled with members with a unique sense of fashion. Like Ser Loras, many brothers of their house are renowned throughout the land for their beauty. As the Lords of the Reach, they command the territory between the Lannisters and the Baratheons.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon = House Stark

A once proud house that was on the rise, it has now been brought low by betrayal from within. Geographically isolated, it is only the brave few who walk through the cold winds to their broad doors.

Phi Delta Alpha = The Unsullied

Like The Unsullied, Phi Delt is renowned for its cultish brotherhood. Brothers never leave the house save to eat…with a band of other Phi Delts. Many guess that this is the result of their difficult pledge period which involves dogs and children. Both groups have a distinct distaste for the company of women, shunning the gentler sex. 

TriKap = Brotherhood Without Banners

A motley band of diverse outcasts who unfortunately cannot wear their own insignia, these brothers are renowned for their egalitarian ways of welcoming freshmen. Of course, many doubt whether their intentions are as perfectly pure as they claim.  

Zeta Psi = Ser Bronn of Blackwater

Recently raised to the status of a house, these brothers are glad to have gained that status. However, they remain without lands and must strive to gain any social capital whatsoever.  

Chi Gamma Epsilon = House Greyjoy

Like the Viking-esque House, Chi Gam has an ample number of lightweight rowers, perfectly suited for coastline raids. Their new hot tub certainly conjures up images of The Drowned God. They were once more prominent, but recently had their aspirations crushed. On the plus side, this has coincided with the House growing increasingly less sketchy.

Beta Alpha Omega = House Bolton

Both the Boltons and Beta have recently entered the clash for social capital. Both houses are obsessed with waving flags. Both houses lock their own doors and are fairly secretive. And most damningly, both houses have  recently surged in terms of power and influence. Rumors of nefarious means surround both houses including the capture and imprisonment of another house’s pledge. Flaying remains the territory of the Boltons.

Gamma Delta Chi = House Tarly

Often, when a giant lumbers across campus, he is wearing the letters of Gamma Delta Chi. GDX is a house of big men and bigger football players. Many tales are sung of their feats of strength and dangerous endeavours. While Sam Tarly of The Night’s Watch inherited only the size, his family is a group of warriors renowned for both their bravery and their brawn.

Sigma Nu = House Martell

Sigma Nu is the house at the very end of Webster Avenue, just as House Martell lurks at the very bottom of the Westerosi continent. Both Houses are sadly irrelevant for the majority of conflicts on both Westerosi on Webster Ave.

Sigma Phi Epsilon = House Frey

Ambitious and more importantly, numerous. The Twins was named for the two castles on either side of a river, but could just as easily have applied to the Frey’s broods. Both houses are also renowned for their unConventional, but memorable parties.

Alpha Chi Alpha = House Karstark

This house has many who adhere to the Old Gods, and is otherwise pretty respectable if not prominent. Unfortunately, they recently suffered a significant loss to their student body after a heinous betrayal.

Bones Gate = Temple of The Many-Faced God

These brothers are just as devoted to exploring the unknown and the mysteries of life as the Faceless Men are to understanding the many facets of death. Their very name reeks of the crypt. Like the Temple of The Many-Faced God, they serve a drink which will make you go blind…if not die. Valar morghulis. 

Chi Heorot = House Westerling

A once-proud and powerful house that now has little but their pedigree and an old name. They have fallen so far that the house was even written out of the show. Not too dissimilar from the fact that Heorot has been written off on the social scene. 

Alpha Phi Alpha = House Mormont

On the fringes of the battle for social capital, this fraternity has recently fallen on tough times due to a scandal. As a result, its members have been scattered by the winds in a state of exile.

Panarchy = Harrenhall

A once proud house that has been evacuated and now its massive rooms are home only to the spirits of its previous occupants. Screams often echo down the half-collapsing halls as odd experiments take place.

 

The Tabard = House Arryn

A small house that is in the middle of the kingdom, but remains aloof and neutral during the scramble for social capital between houses. Rumored to engage in odd and decidedly unsavoury behavior that transgresses the lines of normal sexual conduct. Also, they are always high above the clouds.

 

Alpha Theta = The Night’s Watch

Skilled in the ways of D&D and League of Legends, the warriors of Alpha Theta have pledged themselves to protect the realm from unseen horrors of all types, a most nerdy vow which means they shall also go unmarried and sire no children. Theirs is a thankless task few will willingly accept, but will also prove invaluable should the College ever be overrun by zombies.

 

Phi Tau = Wildlings

Sworn foes and rivals of Alpha Theta, they are a most libertine and uninhibited people even if things have died down a bit from the nudist phase of the early 2000’s. They remain generally detached from the game of thrones played by the realm’s greater houses, though their living conditions are surprisingly nice given their location and status.

 

Kappa Delta Epsilon = The Sand Snakes

These illegitimate daughters of the Red Viper are renowned for their views on sexual liberation and revolt. Together, they plot to overthrow the patriarchy and lead House Martell to victory and domination of Westeros.

 

Alpha Xi Delta = Maesters

Like the Maesters of Oldtown, Alpha Xi Delta is obsessed with knowledge. The sisters are renowned for their GPA which has long been at the highest reaches of the Greek system. An impressive sisterhood indeed, they are also famous for the many deeds they accomplish post-graduation.

 

Alpha Phi = House Clegane

Dark rumors circulate that sisters of this house were exiled from rush events if they lacked suitable, shall we say, facial symmetry. In this regard they have much in common with House Clegane, where Sandor skipped town after a tragic “accident” in which is brother shoved his head in a fire. Unfortunately, no APhi displays the same prowess as Gregor Clegane on the tournament field.

 

TriDelta = House Targaryen

Blonde and beautiful – that covers almost all that can be said about this somewhat dominant sorority. Oh yes, they also transform into fire-breathing dragons at the prospect of acquiring more social capital.

 

Epsilon Kappa Theta = House Tully

They have a castle, but don’t stand out in any regard really. They’re nice, decent, and honorable people, but without any significantly positive or negative characteristics. Their neighbors are considered far more adventurous and interesting than the Tullys themselves.

 

Sigma Delta = House Tarth

Known for tough, empowered girls who play rugby and can easily stomp most men into the ground, and also located near the blue waters of the White River, Sigma Delta would be a natural home for Brienne of Tarth, who may lack traditional feminine charms but has made up for it by punching out Jaime Lannister more than once. One of the few women in A Song of Ice and Fire to regularly acquit herself well on the battlefield, Brienne is one of the few women who dares to operate in a man’s world.

  

Kappa Delta = House Baelish

Like the infamous Littlefinger, Kappa Delta is without a castle or a homebase, really. Yet, through plenty of scheming, Kappa Delta has managed to secure the administration’s promise of a future castle. Surprisingly, so has Lord Baelish after years of service to the Crown. Of course, it remains to be seen if either of these promises will be kept. Kings and Administrators alike are both known for their fickle ways, sadly.

 

Kappa Kappa Gamma = House Lannister

Renowned for their incestuous relationship with Theta Delta Chi, these often blonde females are on top of the social scene. Unfortunately, many theorize that this is only due to incessant scheming…which will eventually fail. But for now, they are the Queen Regent. 

–Geraldine Ford & Patrick Nixon