A Letter to the Student Assembly

Dear Jorge Miranda,

I want my nickel back.

This is what I thought a few weeks ago as I sat on the can reading my copy of The Daily Dartmouth.

I was not referring, of course, to the fine publication that I was perusing. Rather, I was thinking about the headline, “Students Support SA Condom Plan.” In the article, summer term president Jorge Miranda (Hey! That’s you!) was quoted as saying that he had been hearing from many students who wanted free condoms.

What a truly terrible idea. I hope the all-powerful Student Assembly does not go through with this plan.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I usually love the Student Assembly. I am a big proponent of Big Green Bikes. I’ve always felt that sharing was cool and that personal property was way overrated. Also, I’ve often found myself staring at my BlitzMail account for hours just waiting for the arrival of the Assembly’s “Wazzupdate.” But, this time I disagree with the work of my duly-elected student representatives.

I’m going to say it one time and try to make it clear: I hate free condoms.

Why? Well, I don’t have any moral or religious issues. I think condoms are great. They prevent unwanted pregnancies and they stop the transfer of diseases. I’m not against that. I am against free condoms for one reason and one reason only: they are paid for by a tax on losers.

How, you ask?

Well, first a little background. I was born on October 23, 1978 into a long line of losers. My father and my father’s father were both geeks. I started math competitions at an early age. Until the age of 13 I was prevented from eating protein, lest I develop ugly bumps and contusions that my mother referred to as “muscles.” Kept from the sunlight, I developed a sickly sheen. I was artificially albino.

Other children watched Rocky or Hoosiers for inspiration. One day my father popped in the VCR what he referred to as “the most inspirational movie of all time.” It was the tale of Booger, Wormser, Lamar, and the rest of the gang thwarting the Alpha Betas. Many academic awards and black eyes later, I arrived at Dartmouth College.

Just recently, I had come to terms with my own nerdery, but this “free condom plan” was a direct attack on me and my ilk. As if years of rejection and scorn by womankind wasn’t enough, now the Student Assembly wants me to pay for free condoms for the people who are actually getting some action. I don’t think so. This is merely adding insult to injury. I can deal with the fact that the only ’puter I see is an iMac. But I’ll be damned if I start subsidizing the sex lives of others.

I realize from watching hours upon hours of episodes of TV’s Saved By the Bell that it is always the cool kids who are on the Student Assembly, so I beg you to think of those less fortunate. Please step out of the shoes of the slick and attractive Zach Morris and into the hiked-up pants of Screech Powers (a.k.a. Dustin Diamond) for just a moment. Personally, I’ve found that it helps to wear a bracelet that reads “W.W.S.D?” (What would Screech do?), but that’s besides the point. You should think about Mr. Powers because the truth is that there are more Screeches in the world than A.C. Slaters.

We are the silent masses. True, some of us have inch-thick glasses. Some have the appearance of burn victims. Some have lost the ability to speak except to quote from Monty Python movies. Yet, we are the unsung masses. Jorge Miranda, feel our fury! Losers unite!

But, I calculated it. My share of the free condom thing, if you go through with it, is about five cents. So, if I could just get that back, I’d stop this whole “revolution” thing.

Sincerely yours,
Brad Stanley ’01