"The Body" Writes a "Book"

by Bradford Stanley

At first glance, you wouldn't think that Jesse “The Body” Ventura and I have much in common. He is a six-foot-four, 250 pound ex-Navy SEAL and pro wrestler. I have the taut muscular frame of Mr. Furley from TV's “Three's Company” and my lone concession to physical activity is watching “Flex Appeal with Kianna” every morning on ESPN2.

Governor Ventura and I share something much more permanent and much more significant: a similar writing style. “The Body,” as he is known to his nearest and dearest, seems to believe, as I do, that big words are for nerds. And I think that he learned the phrase “private sector” very recently because he uses it about a million times in the course of the book. But his monosyllabic writing style meshes closely with my monosyllabic reading style.

In short, Jesse Ventura's book adds nothing to the Western Canon. The book, which curiously has no quotes of praise on the back cover, bills itself as “Rocky meets Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.” Perhaps the publisher was thinking of Rocky V, in which Rocky is brain-damaged from years of fighting and has extreme difficulty stringing sentences together—his most sophisticated line of dialogue: “I didn't hear no bell!”

But I digress. I really enjoyed the simple writing style. It's easy for someone like me to follow. Some might claim that some of “The Body”'s prose sounds like it was typed up by 1000 monkeys at 1000 typewriters. To note: “Most people can do something,” “The driver's job is to drive,” and “It takes you. Volunteering.” There are many more examples of this simple eloquence, but I only have a limited amount of space.

For all its shortcomings, I Ain't Got Time to Bleed is actually very entertaining. Really, you know what you're going to get when you see the title and this big wrestler-dude on the cover. For one thing, he devotes an entire chapter to his days in professional wrestling.

Also, I did a quick Amazon.com search of books with “Ain't” in the title (I'm a geek) and found Ain't the Beer Cold! and Cow Pie Ain't No Dish You Take to the County Fair, but no books that I recognized. I also searched The Modern Library's list of the 100 greatest books of the 20th century and found no books with “Ain't” in the title.

So, you know that this book ain't going to be great literature. What surprised me when I read this book was its blunt honesty. “The Body” gives a foolproof plan for buying beer without getting carded, talks about smoking pot, and discusses his trips to brothels in Nevada.

At times, Governor Ventura is hilarious in his willingness to disclose virtually anything. He writes about the anti-war movement in the sixties: “I participated in the peace movement. I admit it wasn't so much out of my great love of peace as it was because of my great love of female companionship...I loved the braless thing. I'd see women out burning their bras, and I'd go over with a lighter, `Can I help?'”

Really, Mr. Ventura's full disclosure is almost too much. Who wants to hear about how he mailed porn to one of his friends? And yet the admissions give his other comments more credibility. The sense that one gets from the book is that “The Body” is telling the truth. And I suppose that that's his appeal. He's honest and blunt and none too diplomatic.

Oftentimes, he sounds as though he is writing slogans for bumper stickers. I'm sure that there are many Phish fans who will agree with Governor Ventura when he writes that “I believe that God put everything on the earth for a reason. I don't think cannabis is here just so we can eradicate it.” I have no doubt, moreover, that millions of rednecks will sympathize when they read, “If you can put two rounds into the same hole from twenty-five meters, that's gun control!”

Ventura's outrageousness, though, is a breath of fresh air. It is boring to argue the difference between “compassionate conservatism” and “pragmatic liberalism.” Jesse Ventura is exciting and his book is fun to read. Yeah, it's poorly written. Yeah, he's not our most eloquent statesman. “The Body” also has a huge problem of being overly self-righteous when discussing ridiculous topics, like his feud with Hulk Hogan. Still, it is refreshing to read such a forthright biography and to hear from someone bold enough to say the most preposterous things.

I like his ridiculousness. Ventura is one of the few politicians on the national stage—and, for better or worse, he is on the national stage—who is willing to speak on behalf of strange ideas. But these ideas, while strange, aren't completely crazy. The legalization and regulation of marijuana and of prostitution are not topics that are seriously considered in politics, but that doesn't make the proposals insane.

Jesse Ventura is unorthodox and shoots from the hip, but he's not just a sideshow freak. His book proves that. It's not well-written or brilliant, but it is honest and, for a politician, novel.

Also, it's pretty damn funny. But if you're looking for comedy, I still recommend Cinderella Story by Bill Murray. You'll piss yourself.