The Rock Writes

by Bradford Stanley

For all of you who think that professional wrestlers are just big, dumb animals who can't communicate, The Rock says this: “How many of you jabronis have had New York Times bestselling books?”

This is the situation that America finds itself in. A few weeks ago, the bestselling book in America was The Rock Says, by World Wrestling Federation superstar “The Rock.” While I would love to get on my intellectual high horse and bemoan the fall of Western civilization, I must admit that I, like most of brain-dead America, have become addicted to WWF Smackdown on the UPN network.

Smackdown is the top-rated show on the UPN Network, beating the crap out of its closest competitors, Moesha and that show with Urkel, in the ratings.

“The Rock” is the most popular wrestler in the World Wrestling Federation. I read his book to find out why. The Rock is the greatest wrestler in the WWF, but it seems to be only as a result of over-promotion and hype. To see where The Rock comes from, first we must examine the current state of the WWF.

Wrestling has long been a side-show act in the three-ring circus of American pop culture. Recently, however, it has had to go to greater and greater lengths to shock and amaze its audiences.

In the earlier days of the WWF, things were very simple. There were good guys (babyfaces) and bad guys (heels). The wrestlers had very simple gimmicks. Andre the Giant? He was big. Randy “Macho Man” Savage? He was a macho man. Jake “The Snake” Roberts? He had a snake. And so on and so forth.

It even had the atmosphere of a sideshow. In Wrestlemania III, there was even a midget wrestling match. But recently, the WWF has taken the old WWF, as people are wont to do nowadays, to the extreme.

Now, there are “lightweight” wrestlers who do various acrobatics off the top ropes. One tag team, the Damn Dudleys, have taken to throwing their opponents through tables. Women fight each other while wearing spandex in what are glorified catfights—a half-step away from mud wrestling.

There are table matches, fire matches, explosion matches, and many other hybrids. A new title, “The Hardcore Championship,” consists of a wrestling match with no rules whatsoever. Even the gimmicks the wrestlers have are more complicated—including one wrestler who has an affair with a 90-year old woman. The woman was subsequently thrown through a table. Wrestlers nowadays have gone to greater and greater lengths to entertain. One wrestler, Owen Hart, was killed in such an attempt.

Which is where The Rock comes in. What makes him so refreshing is that he brings nothing new to the table except hype. His gift for self-promotion is seen in his insistence on speaking only in the third person.

His big move, “The Rock Bottom,” is nothing more than a glorified body slam. He has proclaimed himself “the people's champion.” He often gives his opponents the “people's elbow,” which is an elbow drop with a lot of flash beforehand. He has even named an eyebrow raise that he does before his matches—that is, of course, the “people's eyebrow.” The Rock's big catchphrase—“Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?”—is as innocuous as “Can you see what The Rock is wearing?” or “Can you hear what The Rock is singing?” But he manages to pull it off.

His lack of daredevil stunts or, well, originality is refreshing in these crazy, extreme times at the WWF. It is almost an ironic commentary on the state of wrestling, or even a Hegelian antithesis to the rest of the World Wrestling Federation's thesis. OK, OK, I'm getting carried away. But The Rock is way cool. That's why he's so popular and part of the reason that wrestling as a whole is so popular. Plus the ladyfolk like that he was selected as People magazine's sexiest wrestler.

So, I read The Rock Says to find out how this wrestler, who seems to bring little original to the table, got to be so popular.

The Rock was born as Dwayne Johnson and grew up on the island of Hawaii. His father and grandfather were both professional wrestlers. This half Samoan, half African-American superstar was always a big boy, perfect for professional wrestling. Despite growing up surrounded by wrestling, Johnson decided to go into another all-American sport, football. After excelling in high school, he became a backup defensive lineman to such luminaries as Warren Sapp and Russell Maryland. It was at Miami that he met his future wife, Dany. Much of the book is dedicated to talking about her. After Miami, Johnson went to Canada to try to play in the Canadian Football League. He failed.

It was at this point he decided that his goal in life was to become the best professional wrestler on the planet. Dany was surprisingly supportive of the idea, even though it meant that they would have to live apart.

Johnson learned the basics from his father and then honed those skills at the United States Wrestling Alliance, a training ground for future WWF stars. He entered the WWF as Flex Kavana, then Rocky Maivia. Rocky Maivia was supposed to be likable, but everyone hated him. This, combined with a knee injury, allowed him to turn into a bad guy, and he quickly transformed himself into “The Rock.”

At this point, the book takes a strange turn. The book has two distinct writing styles, that of Dwayne Johnson and that of The Rock.

Dwayne Johnson lovingly describes his relationship with his wife, the scene backstage at Wrestlemania, and his friendship with Owen Hart. The Rock, in contrast, writes passages such as, “Undertaker, you run your mouth about how you're going to take The Rock to the learning tree. Well, you're not going to have to drag The Rock to the learning tree. The Rock will gladly go to the learning tree with you. And then he'll pause once we get there. He'll reach up and break off a branch. And he'll pick each and every leaf off that branch. Then he'll turn it sideways and stick it straight up your candy ass.” It is the strangest writing I have ever read and makes for a very disjointed book.

I must say, however, that the überarrogant persona of The Rock is almost as entertaining in print as it is on Smackdown, if more tiresome. Unfortunately, there is too much of The Rock and not enough of Dwayne Johnson in The Rock Says. The most interesting passages are those that give a glimpse of the backstage at the WWF. Nonetheless, it is a very entertaining book.

It is not worth $20, though. Check it out from the library; don't buy it. Have a problem with this advice? Know your role and shut your mouth!