Germans Love David Hasselhoff

by Bradford Stanley

“There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me.” —David Hasselhoff

A few months ago, an event rocked the world. I learned that David Hasselhoff is retiring from Baywatch! I was stunned. I thought it was some sort of elaborate prank. Alas!—It was true. I didn't know what to think.

Let me set the stage. I have a love-hate relationship with David Hasselhoff. I don't like his smarmy heartthrob image. I don't like seeing him on my television in his trademark red shorts, looking like someone nailed some form of roadkill to his chest. I always thought that KITT the amazing talking car was fairly obnoxious.

But I love him for what he has done for me. What he daily provides at 4:00 and 6:00 pm on the USA Network: Baywatch, the greatest television show of all time.

Confused, I decided that I needed to learn more about the man behind the red swimming trunks. Who is David Hasselhoff?

Luckily, I managed to procure a poorly translated copy of David Hasselhoff, a fawning German biography by noted author Jörg Fisher. This biography is translated by André Albrecht. André's command of the English language is not what one would call “good.” Luckily, next to fart jokes, I find broken English to be the funniest thing in the whole world.

Unfortunately, this book was written pre-Baywatch, so it doesn't cover the peak of Hasselhoff's career. It focuses mainly on his Knight Rider days and on his budding singing career. It lovingly recalls the time when Germans did not, in fact, love David Hasselhoff.

Bottom line: this book is funny. Damn funny. The combination of broken English and the inexplicable adoration of David Hasselhoff is hilarious. Jörg really knows how to turn a phrase.

The translation by André is incredibly (how should I put this?) bad. I still don't know exactly what this sentence means: “A car, black color, a Pontiac Trans-Am Sport-Coupe, which not only had practical special effects, which even James Bond had turn pale.”

But, I don't really feel as though this makes the book unreadable. It's like my grandmother once said, “Brad, you're not ugly. Your face just has a lot of character.” And that's what the book has: character.

The book has many high points as well. Hasselhoff breathlessly describes his “big break,” an interview with powerful Hollywood talent agent Joyce Selznick: “her dog bited me as welcome in my calf. As I pushed a handkerchief on the bloody wound she asked me: Do you know how to act? I said: yes. After that she: Lie. But I'll take you nevertheless under contract because you are a good looking man.”

Plus, the book could not be funnier when it describes the arrogance that is David Hasselhoff. Jörg describes: “the more popular Knight Rider got, the better also got the needlings of the who got jealous about him.” Hasselhoff was badly hurt by these “needlings.”

When the Washington Post wrote that “obviously they were looking for an actor who couldn't be a threat to upstage the car,” Hasselhoff's response was to threaten the Post with a libel suit, since the portrayal of him as a bad actor was “just not true.” The suit never made the courts, but the pain burned deep inside the tender soul of the man who would become Mitch Buchannon.

In the future, we may see an E! True Hollywood Story about Knight Rider. Apparently there was a lot of friction behind the scenes between the two co-stars: Hasselhoff and the black Pontiac Trans Am. Hasselhoff was upset because KITT got more fan mail than him and there were a small but vocal minority of viewers who felt that KITT was the real star of the show. At one point, Hasselhoff's tension reached a breaking point, telling an adoring fan that if he liked KITT so much, he should try to get KITT's autograph.

Silly Hasselhoff. Cars can't give autographs.

The book also exhaustively covers the singing career of David Hasselhoff and the rise of his international superstardom. An interesting fact: far before Germans loved David Hasselhoff, he found acceptance in Austria. It was not until years later that he found success in Germany. In fact, “Looking for Freedom” was the number one song in Germany for eight straight weeks in 1989. Germans must have wondered how great this whole new “capitalism” could be if it exposed them to pop sensation David Hasselhoff.

But I was quickly bored with this stuff because, quite honestly, who cares? I was very upset with this book because it didn't include Hasselhoff's most important contribution

to Western culture: Baywatch. Luckily, I know more about Baywatch than any other mortal, so I am able to fill in the big blank in Hasselhoff's life.

Surprisingly enough, I am rather torn about Baywatch. In one sense, I really like it. It is by far the most boobalicious show on television, even more so than Baywatch knockoffs like Pacific Blue (Baywatch on bikes), Silk Stalkings (Baywatch detectives), and Baywatch Nights (crap). It still maintains its status of most cleavage per minute of any TV show.

Also, the poor acting is fun to watch. I love to see Pamela Anderson try to pronounce words like “vertebrae,” “respiratory,” or “sand.” I can't think of how many times I've seen someone have a ridiculously unbelievable heart attack out on a boat. Just today, I saw an old man have a stroke on a boat that made me giggle with delight. This stroke, of course, was quickly diagnosed by his bikini-clad, incredibly hot granddaughter.

Watching Baywatch has been a very emotional experience for me. Who didn't cry when Nicole Eggert got a breast reduction and subsequently left the show? But who didn't perk up when Yasmine Bleeth showed up? Who didn't laugh when Mitch decided to become a private detective during the night?

But Baywatch has also caused serious problems in my life. It has desensitized me to large, large breasts. Sometimes, after watching an episode, I will venture outside and worry about all the females walking around. What's wrong with them? Their breasts are so small and they're wearing clothing that is neither tight nor revealing.

I shouldn't be so hard on them, I guess. Maybe they're sick or something.

Plus, I have some other problems with Baywatch. Along with the mamarifically blessed, there are several meatheads (that's what the jealous weak call the strong) around. It's amazing they have time to lifeguard. They probably spend lots of time lifting things so they can, in turn, lift heavier things. Every man on Baywatch is jacked, and all of them could beat the crap out of me.

It's very obnoxious. I watch old episodes and I'm upset that, at the tender age of ten, Hobie Buchannon (Mitch's son) already had a much better body than me. Perhaps after school Hasselhoff makes him go pick up heavy rocks.

If were producing Baywatch, I'd make it more realistic. I'd fire all those meatheads and hire Don Knotts, Jim Varney, and Jimmie “Dyn-O-mite!” Walker to protect the beach. They should guard the beach with the hot, hot girls. That show is just too unrealistic for my taste.

So that's my problem with Hasselhoff.

But I'm terribly worried that as soon as he leaves, Baywatch will get canceled and go away forever. That can't happen. Baywatch actresses won't have anywhere else to go if they don't have that venue. Where is Erica Eleniak now? Or Holly Gagnier? They've gotta be hanging out somewhere with Tina Yothers and Emmanuel Lewis.

Even though it doesn't discuss the prime of Hasselhoff's career, David Hasselhoff is a fantastically funny book. It combines the insanity of the German Hasselhoff craze with broken English. In my mind, it's an unbeatable combo.