Dick's House: Busted!

by Alexander Harrison and J. Patrick Leo

Heroin, cocaine, marijuana, mescaline, codeine, methcathinone, PCP and LSD. The number of drugs available to a college student today is greater than ever before. Funding a drug habit is also extremely expensive, especially for the average student. But thanks to the generous Dartmouth Group Health Plan and the friendly people at Dick's House, obtaining drugs is not too much of a problem for those of us here in Hanover.

We have been hearing rumors for a while of the excessive ease and affordability of getting drugs at Dick's House. Students have allegedly come out with Prozac, Valium and serious painkillers with minimal effort. So, we sent some undercover agents to “get the goods,” and see if the rumors were true.

Narcotic Relaxants

Thursday, 9:25 a.m. Our agent, who we will call, called Dick's house and complained of severe pain in his torso; the appointment was conveniently made for fifteen minutes later.

9:40 a.m. Upon arrival at Dick's House, the key to obtaining the drugs is to walk very slowly and act as though you are in a great deal of pain.

An occasional grimace or sigh doesn't hurt; neither does clasping your hips when you walk. We also recommend running there to add a slight flush to your face.

9:45 a.m. Our agent met with an Advanced Registered Nurse Practitioner (ARNP). This extremely pleasant young woman wasn't a doctor, to our great surprise, yet was all too willing to help. In fact, after hobbling into the examination room and an extremely brief and vague description of his pain, she started discussing the different medications she would be happy to prescribe to reduce the inexorable anguish. Before he knew it, our agent had a prescription in his hand for Cyclobenzaprine, more commonly known as Flexeril.

Not familiar with Flexeril, the agent wondered if Dick's House were prescribing such strong medication with any serious side effects. The response received was troublesome at the least.

“Have you ever been sedated?” she inquired. “Well, Flexeril is a strong muscle relaxant that makes you feel like you are sedated. It will knock you out for about 12 hours.” As disturbing as this comment may seem, her follow-up explanation was downright worrisome. “This medication should be strong enough. It's one step below Valium.” (For those of you who aren't familiar with Valium, it is an addictive and powerful relaxant. When combined with alcohol, the depressive effects are multiplied several fold.) The nurse next made it clear that if Flexeril didn't do the trick, our man could return and receive Valium.

Prescription in hand, the mission was a success.

However, the acting had apparently been an above average performance.

The nurse began discussing different Physiotherapy options that would be open to him to help assuage his agony. Our agent actually responded to her, “No, I am really just interested in the drugs.”

Before leaving, the nurse finally decided to do a quick examination, which lasted perhaps 30 seconds and consisted simply of taking off his shirt and touching his knees.

10:05 a.m. Our agent was in line at the pharmacy waiting for his medication. The problem with many drugs is that the habit is very expensive to maintain. Thanks to the miracle of modern medical insurance and the Dartmouth Group Health Plan, maintaining a drug habit at Dick's House is easy, convenient and affordable, even on a student's budget. A week supply of Flexeril costs a total of four dollars (DA$H accepted).

Addictive Painkillers

Shaking in feverish anticipation, our second undercover `buyer' hustled out of his dorm and headed for the far side of campus. Headache diary in hand, he headed towards Dick's House.

Clutching his head in mock agony, he proceeded to an examination room. The doctor asked our agent a few all-to-brief questions regarding his medical background. After he spat up a blatantly false story of painful past headaches, she proceeded to conduct, in the good doctor's words, a “crude neurological exam” upon him.

After copious amounts of knee-tapping, finger-snapping and eye-blinding, the doctor (one of Dick's House's few examiners actually in possession of a medical degree) assiduously concluded that our man's “nervous system seems just fine.”

Still clutching his migraine-besieged head, our agent managed a weak affirmative. (We have the feeling that the crude neurological exam is performed regardless of one's stated malady. If you walked in there with a stuffy nose and a cough, she'd most likely test your reflexes with the knee hammer. In fact, she'd probably run the test if you walked in there with two broken knees.) At any rate, the Doctor was convinced she had done her medical duty and proceeded to the drugs. After a scant half-hour of chat, she was talking narcotic painkillers and ergot alkaloids to treat headaches she hadn't even verified in the medical history files. The only basis on which the physician prescribed had were the stated symptoms of spotty vision, dizziness, and of course aching of the head.

Reading over some helpful pamphlets the doctor provided, we learned just how serious the drugs are that our agent received. Percocets are addictive `social drugs' which provide the user with a light, hazy high similar to the effects of morphine.

Percocets are addictive painkillers and go well with alcohol consumption, we have been told. Ergots shrink the user's blood vessels, in an effort to combat the swelling that causes migraines. Three pills, or triple the recommended dosage, may kill you.

The Review's covert operative left Dick's house that day with thirty Percocet tablets and sixteen Ergotamine pills. Total cost — eight dollars.

Antidepressants

Another staffer attempted to obtain Prozac from Dick's House. It was a time-consuming process, but once again a successful one.

He made an appointment with a Dick's House counselor, claiming over the phone that he was suffering from chronic depression.

Going into the meeting, he kept his head low, his energy low, and told the doctor about his problems. “I feel that nothing's really working out for me,” he said. “I'm getting good grades, and good internships, but I don't really like my friends here, and I really miss my family. All I ever want to do is sleep. And sometimes I get these horrible panic attacks.”

The counselor reacted with concern. She asked about his family history, and about his family life. She suggested that he make another appointment.

He made another appointment for a few days later, and within five minutes of entering the prospect of medication was brought up. He continued the act, and the next day, found himself with an appointment with the one psychiatrist on staff.

He repeated the performance and walked out with a prescription for Prozac and a prescription for Klonopin, an anti-anxiety medication. Klonopin was Kurt Cobain's favorite drug second to heroin.

Conclusion

Prozac, Percocet, and Flexeril each appear on a list the United States Drug Enforcement Agency published (in October, 1996) of the twenty most abused pharmaceutical drugs in the country.

That our agents were able to obtain them so easily says a lot about the predisposition of marginally trained Dick's House flunkies to solve the health problems of Dartmouth students by prescribing dangerous narcotics. For all of Dick's House's anti-drug posturing, they very well might be the biggest pusher on campus.