Everything I Never Wanted to Know About Sex

by Bruce Gago

"It feels like a warm, wet vagina."

So began a vivid description of masturbation at Dartmouth’s Spaulding Auditorium. Maria (middle–aged and fat; the Orientation booklet states no last name) first told men that it was necessary to masturbate so that they may lead normal sex lives. Using two fingers to simulate a penis, she demonstrated how to put on five condoms with alternating layers of Astroglide (her favorite lubricant) and then used her free hand to begin the pumping motion. "It’s important to know what the inside of a girl feels like so that you can please her."

It has been easy to be inundated by the variety of orientation activities presented to us, regardless of relevance or entertainment value. In spite of this, Dartmouth in some cases completely obliterated the barrier of discretion and invited guest speakers—ostensibly to educate us—instead flinging a barrage of crude, grotesque, immature, and unnecessary remarks onto the ears of shocked Dartmouth freshmen. Maria continued her tirade.

"I want you to communicate with each other when you guys eat out your women." How did Maria propose to give men advice on this intimate act? "Cunnilingus is very important for sex. Girls love it." The tongue was king. She moaned wildly.

But it was not just important for men to be able to please women, Maria said. Women need to know themselves.

Maria tells a story about going to her gynecologist and being asked to see her vulva with a mirror. Feeling uncomfortable at the time she lied and refused, "Oh, I’ve already seen it." But she hadn’t. "Later, I went home, got a mirror and spread my legs." Her enthusiasm was at this point overflowing. "It was beautiful!" The audience, disgusted, laughed at the simple exclamation of joy. But what should be the natural consequence of such a private discovery?

"Vulva parties!"

And so Maria led the audience through a standard vulva party. "Vulva parties involve a group of girls wearing skirts—for easy access." Uncomfortable laughter ensued. "We display our genitals to ourselves and each other, then we masturbate." Her tone was casual and friendly, ostensibly suggesting that women in the crowd should do the same or feel sexually ostracized—vulva parties sounded like good, clean Friday night fun.

She moaned.

It seems almost appropriate that the subject of vibrators be introduced, and Maria did exactly that. "Girls," she said in her cool, friendly tone, "I want you to feel good with vibrators." After giving the audience the web site of her favorite online vibrator merchant, she explained proper use.

How did she proceed to explain its proper use? The clitoris, she said, should bear the brunt of the vibrator. "The vagina is not the main site of stimulation," she reassured us. Audience were visibly uncomfortable. In her casual Sicilian tone, Maria seemed almost like a best friend showing us how to be happy with ourselves through sex.

"My husband and I don’t prefer intercourse," she said. This came as somewhat of a surprise to many in the audience, but left some uneasily wondering about other means of sexual stimulation. She quickly assuaged their curiosity. "Usually we give each other head. (sic)" (Moan.) Again she continued discussing cunnilingus techniques—curiously ignoring any descriptions or methods of fellatio.

Then the female condom.

"Be sure you slide your fingers all the way in there when putting it in so that it expands," she instructed. "Especially for anal sex." And so ensued the grotesque. Saran wrap was interestingly incorporated into her instructions. "I want all you men to use saran wrap to envelop your ass and penis—girls too. It turns me on, and its better that way." The condom, apparently, was the final barrier of protection should the saran wrap fail. After the act, Maria suggested that males urinate immediately afterwards to flush out any bacteria that may have made their way up the urethera. "It reduces the chances of infection."

Maria then picks a volunteer from the audience. "Don’t be shy," she assures. She calmly unrolls a condom over two of his fingers, and then proceeds to ask him to lick it. He does, and then she follows. "Cherry!" she exclaims. Later, she asks another participant in the audience to wrap the condom around the first man’s head and asks him to inflate it (which he does). Then another moan. The audience applauds the participants as they descend from the stage.

"MASTURBATION!" Maria screams. The audience is as confused as ever; some are terrified. Noting this, Maria asks the audience to repeat her exclamation. "Masturbation!" replies a restless crowd. A silly interactive demo rounds out the seminar, with Maria leading the audience in a game of touching one’s head, chest, pelvic area, and feet.

One might deduce that Maria had intended to use these demonstrations to enlighten the audience as to some unknown mystery about sex, but instead left much of the audience befuddled as to the purpose of such juvenile behavior.

In the process, she immediately alienated many in the audience—Ling Yan, a freshman international student, elaborates: "The program violated the standards of my culture and probably those of religious people, and I couldn't believe that Maria talked with an entire community regarding the details of masturbation." Indeed, masturbation was not a cursory topic for Maria; she specified her favorite online vibrator merchant, gave tips on using such devices, and virtually ordered men to masturbate using condoms—including one bizarre technique involving five condoms and alternating layers of lubrication.

Some felt the basic premise of the presentation was valid. Steve Weller '05, notes, "I liked it. The College didn't tip-toe around the issues. It left nothing to the imagination. We learned from her mistakes, and she put a face to the statistics of STDs." Maria had opened the discussion by explaining that she had herpes complex, a disease of recurring outbreaks caught by way of a promiscuous sex life. And in fact, this was a lucid message. Nonetheless, the depth of her personal sexual escapades was vastly unnecessary, and she quickly deviated from the dangers of STDs.

Another freshman, who asked to remain anonymous, noted that the seminar liberated him because he felt sexually restrained at home. "I felt that it was important for me to understand the meaning of healthy physical sexual relationships, though I felt the emotional side of sex was too personal to discuss." Later, the student admitted that the audience did not receive all sides of the complex issue, and strongly felt that the College should have included a disclaimer in the orientation booklet as to the graphic nature and purpose of the presentation. The student also conceded that it might not have been wise to make such a seminar mandatory attendance for freshmen.

The error in assuming that her entire audience was ready for such a presentation is obvious. Maria did not blur the line between tact and brusqueness—she completely demolished it. Brandi Hevalow, a member of the audience, commented on the program. "The show was vulgar, though parts were funny—but mostly disgusting. I felt bad for the participants, especially the international students experiencing American culture for the first time," she states. Indeed, the shock value propelled for many freshmen was strong enough to solidify their resolve against what Maria was propagating. Dave McCune, an '05, adds that though he appreciated what she was trying to do, she was too straightforward. "I was not personally offended, but I didn't appreciate the college mandating freshmen to attend an event where a speaker is telling to people how to masturbate and assumes everyone is having sex." Dave felt that Dartmouth implicitly supports the acts described and that people not ready for sex might have been pressured to make a premature decision, despite a statement to the contrary by Maria. "She went too far," Dave says. "Licking condoms, moaning—all things I did not need to hear."

Dartmouth made an egregious mistake inviting a guest speaker unable to relate with a many incoming freshman, and instead causing offense and discomfort in audience members.

At the very least, Dartmouth has the responsibility to inform its students of the graphic material contained in such shows, giving each individual the opportunity to make a decision to attend. Knowledge of sex is important, but, interestingly, Maria ignored alternative methods for preventing the proliferation of STDs and broken hearts. Abstinence and exclusive monogamous relationships are two techniques that—though certainly not ideal for all Dartmouth students—were not even mentioned as possible options in leading a healthy sex life.

The orientation manual claimed that Maria would "lay out the rules that we need to live by to have an incredible sexual relationship with others and with ourselves." I am eager to see if anyone indeed feels an "incredible" sexual utopia has opened up before them after such tastelessness and revulsion. And her moaning still echoes in my mind.

Make it stop.