Howie Hawkins Earns 1%; Declares Victory

Running on an anti-war platform, co-founder of the Green Party in the U.S. Howie Hawkins procured a hefty 1.2% of the vote in his Senate bid against Hillary Clinton on Tuesday. A former Dartmouth drop-out (he completed four years of study, but failed to learn a foreign language), Hawkins scrounged up 52,010 votes, or less than one per square mile. Hawkins will be long remembered for leading the construction of a shanty-town on the Green in 1985 only to see the shacks mercilessly walloped with hydraulic hammers by Review staffers. Although the Green gubernatorial ticket failed to reach the requisite 50,000 votes to earn a ballot line in the next election, Hawkins has publicly stated his intention to ignore the law and manipulate activist judges to get his way. The Alliterative Society of New York responded: “Who the Hell is Howie Hawkins?”