Get yo' QUEER on: QuEER bAr NiGHt

Friday, April 25, 2003

On the 'Gay/Lesbian/Bi Programming Blitz Bulletin,' which posts various gatherings of interest to the GBLTQA community, concerned undergraduates were recently invited to attend the upcoming 'National Conference on Gender,' convened to assemble 'all the diverse Americans—gay, straight, transgender, youth, feminist—who are committed to ending discrimination and violence caused by gender stereotypes.'

Odd—because Dartmouth had just witnessed 'QuEER bAr NiGHt,' an evening in the Lone Pine Tavern dedicated to, and staged by, the Gay Straight Alliance. Odd—because the party turned out to be an overindulgent romp, swimming with those same 'gender stereotypes' that are supposed to be so off-the-mark. The cost of the event was picked up on the College's dime by the Committee on Student Organizations (COSO) and the Programming Board.

It all started with a playful e-mail missive. 'Wassap, DAWG?!' was the lighthearted query. The campus was invited to get 'Get yo' QUEER on' and to exhibit its 'VoCaL StYLiNZ [sic]' at a 'phat KARAOKE machine.' Plus, attendees could win 'AWesum [sic] prizez [sic].' Why not, I thought Ò they told me I could 'coMe sTrAigHT or with a tWisT.' And after all, the memorandum tantalizingly informed the reader that 'it's gonna be riDUNCulous, [sic] yo!' Indeed.

As I rolled in with a female friend—we decided beforehand that she was my 'significant other' in case we needed to fend off any untoward advances—an ostentatious gentleman pranced about the karaoke stage, belting out a virtuoso rendition of 'What's Love Got to Do With It.' A disco ball whirled overhead, and purple sheets of cellophane dimmed the lighting.

At 'QuEER bAr NiGHt' there was no shortage of impeccably-dressed males or young women with mannish pompadours mincing about the room. One lass wore a multi-hued boa.

Dartmouth's 'queer' community was out in full force at the get-together, and took pains to telegraph their gayness. The Lone Pine Tavern was bedecked with rainbow bunting and other colorful gew-gaws; revelers were invited to sample trays of various foodstuffs, cleverly renamed to make them homosexual. Who, for example, could resist a platter of 'bi-breadstix,' 'GBLT burgers,' and 'Queer Quesadillas'? And if one found the need to whet his whistle, he could sip a variety of titillating, yet safely non-alcoholic, beverages—a 'Fruity Flamer,' an 'Out with a Passion,' an 'Ellen Degingerale,' or a 'Cabana Boy,' perhaps?

Contestants at the karaoke contest received ratings for 'sexiness, accuracy, and flair.' Whether it was due to the incentive prizes proffered or an attempt to fit in, the performances were characterized by naughty exuberance.

At one point, two slattern coeds made their way to the stage and performed a randy dance. Interlocking thighs, they ground crotches together seductively and softly caressed each other. Later, one jumped up on a table and swung the microphone around her head like a lasso, her bosom heaving prodigiously. The rest of the performance featured a mouth-watering combination of pelvic-thrusting, sultry sashaying, and various backside-spankings. The cavorting warranted an 8.3 for sexiness.

A young man and a fetching female supporter then made their way to the stage to sing the raucous party-anthem 'Are You Ready For This Body.' When the two began to grind, one audience member gesticulated eagerly and shouted out to the male, 'You're not fooling anyone!' The performance became more sizzling as the song progressed. The young man peeled off his shirt and waved it to-and-fro; then he descended from the stage to give lap-dances to the various judges, leaving his partner fox-trotting on the stage alone. While he amorously swiveled his posterior in front of one male judge, the evaluator fanned himself flamboyantly as a helpful visual cue to let others know that he liked what he saw. 'I know I'm not ready for that body,' he called out. Later in the routine, a male bystander emerged from the audience and slipped dollar bills into the performer's clothing.

The audience was boisterous and high-spirited, clearly enjoying the ribaldry. The performances were punctuated by various cat-calls and wolf-whistles, and oftem accompanied by boisterous ovations, high-fiving, finger-snapping, and outrageous shout-outs like 'You go, girlfriend!', 'Work it baby!', and 'Hollah!' All the excitement caused makeup to smear; some of the women in attendance also had this problem.

Many routines left audience members swooning. At the karaoke machine, one fellow loudly crooned the lyrics to a rap number, crying out 'Can I fuck you?' Two male students leapt to their feet and waved their arms wildly over their heads, screaming 'Yes! Yes!' The thumping bass lines inspired others to dance provocatively. As two young men in the audience gyrated during one song, one cohort dropped to his knees and simulated fellatio. At another point, a judge wearing black horn-rimmed glasses touted the 'incredible chemistry' of a performance and gave it the oddly-precise score of 6.9 for 'flair.' The rating whipped up bawdy cheering and chants of 'Sixty-nine, sixty-nine!'

Shortly thereafter, two males delivered an interpretation of Bill Withers' number Lean on Me in a deep-throated baritone. When the song got to the part that goes 'Just call me...' one half the duo appended the cute suffix-phrase '...when you need a blow-job!' The revision was well-received by most.

It would be a mistake, though, to give the impression that everyone in attendance was a sex-crazed maniac. Clearly, many were straight 'allies' of Dartmouth's gay community. Others were slightly more modest in their homosexuality; several same-sex couples were spotted discreetly holding hands as they enjoyed the festivities. One frizzy-haired boiler gave a shoulder-massage to a female 'friend.'

It would be easy to ridicule 'QuEER bAr NiGHt'—but what's the point? Such salacious antics speak for themselves. Dartmouth's queer community has apparently been engaged for decades in a struggle against discrimination and oppression. Now, they are finally getting the recognition they have always given themselves.

Get yo' QUEER on: QuEER bAr NiGHt

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