Week in Review

Wednesday, January 13, 1999

Carolina Blues

On December 19, the North Carolina Tarheels, ranked sixth in the nation, with a record of 11 - 1, rolled into Hanover to face the Indians. Dartmouth might have faced Utah for the NCAA championship in 1944, but their fortunes have taken a downturn in the half-century since. North Carolina was greeted by a standing room only crowd of 2,100 at Leede Arena at tip-off, most all of them cheering for the upset.

Indians' captain Shaun Gee '00 had the hot hand early on, scoring Dartmouth's first 7 points on his way to a game-high 24 point effort on the night. He also dished out five assists. Dartmouth led early on, 13 - 11, partly thanks to Greg Buth '01, and his two early treys, the second of which gave Dartmouth their 13 - 11 lead. He would hit two more on the night, and finished with 16 points.

The Indians trailed by only 7 at the half, 42 - 35. In the end, however, heart and desire could not overcome the sheer size of Carolina's Brendan Haywood and Ademola Okulaja, whose presence on the blocks allowed North Carolina to hit 58.6% of its field goal attempts.

Dartmouth, on the other hand, was held to 36.9% from the floor, although they did connect on 12 of 29 (41.4%) from beyond the arc.

At the final buzzer, the score was 82 - 68 North Carolina, and the Indians were left to contemplate the remainder of their schedule, along with the more pressing Ivy League title race.

After the game, North Carolina coach Bill Guthridge expressed his respect for the hard-fighting Indians team.

Dartmouth, led by Gee, Buth, and power forward Ian McGinnis '01, the nation's leading rebounder, has since beaten Columbia and Cornell on the road and stands first in the Ivy League with a 3-0 conference record.

USA! USA! USA!

Having lost 20 years worth of postal chess with a convicted U.S. murderer, irritated British local councillor John Walker is now seeking a face-to-face match. Walker has applied to the Virginia Department of Corrections for permission to play a game next summer against Claude Bloodgood, who is serving a life sentence in Richmond for murdering his mother in 1969.

Bloodgood advertised in a British chess magazine in the 1970s, Walker
answered, and the two have been playing via postal mail ever since. Because prison officials delayed Walker's letters containing his moves, the first checkmate took seven years.

'After 20-odd years, I think it would be nice to meet him. He is in his 70s and he isn't going to last for ever,' said Walker, 57, a Labor party member of the council in Lichfield, central England.

Our American boy has whipped the Brit in eight of the last nine games; Walker managed to draw one.

Mrs. Ou, Where are You?

While Panda House has an abundant supply of eager young water boys, apparently a dish of hunan beef takes over an hour to prepare. Last week, The Dartmouth Review ordered a delivery whose travel time from their wok to our door, only seventy-five yards away, was nearly an hour and a half.

Because of this tragedy, we received 50% off a dinner for 5 because their delivery was so terribly slow. The next night we took them up on their offer, hoping to let bygones be bygones.

But, after waiting fifty minutes for even our drinks to arrive, another twenty for appetizers and then fifteen more for the main course, we were dumbfounded.

Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Rednecks

Her name is Heather Joy. She lives in Oklahoma. She makes handcrafted bags from bull scrotums.

The cost of each of her True Cowgirl's Purses depends on whether the bag is personalized, hand-dyed or adorned with silver or brass. The starting price: $110. The raw material is hard to come by, she claims, since only so many processing plants in her area handle bull scrotums.

Her sacs are scraped, dipped in salt water and hung to dry before they're shipped to some shady company where they're pickled, she said. The bags, which come in various sizes and colors, are flat and supple by the time they are put on sale. 'And they're large enough to hold a whole bag of nuts.'

Family Ties

It is official — the Review is part of 'alternative culture.' Check it out for yourself: http://www.altculture.com/aentries/d/dartmouthx.html. Right there in between heroin-chic god Evan Dando and DAT (digital audiotape) lies an entry for the 'most infamous of reactionary campus newspapers'—the Dartmouth Review.

The site, which calls itself 'an a-z of the '90s,' recounts the history of the Review and concludes with the Spy-magazine quote 'The Dartmouth Review staff is a bunch of Alex P. Keatons without the looks or the charm.' Touche.

Westsiiiiiiiiiiiide!

Since a recent event went curiously unnoticed by Dartmouth's sensitivity youth police, we want to let them know what an opportunty they missed out on.

At Westside Buffet this past Tuesday, the Chef's Choice was 'Soul' food: fried chicken, country ham, collard greens, black eye peas with spiced sausage, biscuits with gravy, hush puppies, peach cobbler, and watermelon. Inexplicably chitlins and pig's feet were missing from the menu. The Westside Menu board is the last refuge of scoundrels.

Dirk Diggler Does Monica

This week Primal Entertainment announced the cast of its live reenactment of the Starr Report, to be broadcast on the Internet at www.TheStarrReportLive.com on January 25, 1999 at 8:00 PM PST.

Based on the events described in the Starr Report, the reenactment will feature performers depicting the intimate encounters between the President and Monica Lewinsky. 'This broadcast is expected to be the largest live Internet event ever,' said event organizer Richard Steele.

'We intend to accurately depict what went on behind closed doors at the White House.'

Adult visitors may purchase tickets which can be redeemed to view the event and subsequent rebroadcasts.

Porn legend Ron Jeremy is on board to direct and star in the event. Recently Mr. Jeremy appeared in the 1998 flop feature film, 54, with Mike Myers, Neve Campbell and Salma Hayek. He also served as Technical Advisor on the Academy-Award nominated Boogie Nights.

Appearing as Monica in the live broadcast is veteran actress Nancy Vee, star of the recently-released film, Models. H. Upmann has offered a supply of their esteemed Columbo cigars, 'offering pleasant notes of leather and wood,' for the event.

Horrible Person of the Week

In a recent letter to the Daily Dartmouth, Omar Rashid '00 exposed another act of 'racism' by Dartmouth Greeks. After discovering that Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity and Alpha Xi Delta sorority sponsored in a closed party last Friday night with a 'Miami, Will Smith' theme, where he claims revellers were encouraged to dress up 'like Cubans,' Rashid rants that 'now bigots in our community have conspired to commit yet another hate crime in order to discourage potential Hispanic students from applying to our great institution and to intimidate Hispanic students already attending Dartmouth.' Umm, no.

Rashid continues, 'I refuse to yield to the terror tactics these bigots employ and I shall not allow them to transform this college into the capital of racism.' Indeed, a party involving the consumption of cheap booze is certainly a terror tactic.

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another

The Alabama Supreme Court recently decided that a previous fraternity pledge who underwent a year of hazing did so voluntarily, and has no basis to sue Kappa Alpha fraternity at Auburn University. The court found that Jason Jones had not tried to escape the pledge-educational activities, nor did he want others to intervene to end it.

Jones claims to have endured having to eat foods that were sure to make him vomit; being kicked and paddled; having to dig, and subsequently jump, into a trough filled with garbage, vomit, human excrement, and water; and having his hand broken after being thrown down a flight of stairs.

Auburn University derecognized the local chapter of Kappa Alpha for being general morons, but Jones' suit against the national organization was dismissed.

We'll Get Back to You

There is a first for everything: The Dartmouth Review has just received a resume from a sophomore at the University of Vermont seeking an internship at our office this summer. Somehow this person seems to believe that being on the Yearbook committee at Hanover High, having been a kitchen worker, waitress, a former intern who helped to create 'industry press kits for The Harvard Common Press' barbecuing books,' a synchronized swimmer and Dormitory Fire Captain at Smith College, the secretary of UVM's Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgendered Association, and a frequenter of Guatemala and Eastern Europe is experience enough to work at our esteemed office.

You Betta Czech Yourself

We have absolutely no idea how we managed to become a rather large part of a Czech pop-culture web page, but we did. If anyone can read Czech and/or knows what it means to be called an 'amerikai tosgy?ker,' please stop by and let us know if that is a good or bad thing.

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